Open Book

The teacher said "open your books to page 346 and we'll start discussing the nervous system"... my mind trailed off and I started thinking about my own book, my own story; Everyone knows my story. I'm what you call an open book.

Being an open book is great. I have no secrets, so spreading rumors about me is a bit of a challenge and I have a really wonderful ability to genuinely connect with almost anyone I meet. 

For example;

I remember once, my friend Elise had a birthday party in Downtown Denver. I had work so I couldn't stay the whole time but I really didn't want to miss it. Her dad offered to take me back early.  The drive from Denver to my job was a half hour and her dad is a very quite man and we had only met for the first time that night. I wasn't, but I know now he was afraid for a very long, awkward 30 minutes. However, we kept a wonderful conversation the whole time. We talked about our favorite football teams and traveling and he still says it was one of the most interesting conversations he's had and mine too.

I take pride in that, I love connecting with people and gaining new perspectives. It adds color to the pages of my story that everyone has an opportunity to read if they choose to.

All this color, these people, these connections, in all different places and all different walks of life have made for a very joyful life. I'm always in a good mood, I'm always up for a good laugh and I have this obnoxious goofy smile that creeps on my face anytime I see a friend. Being an open book, everyone knows it and happiness is contagious. 

But, not everyone knows that being an open book is a blessing and a curse.

I can generally spin everything to be positive. Yes, I'm human. I have my daily complaints, and a bit of road rage here and there, I overthink and certain things bother more than they should. It's not as though I walk around without a worry in the world. I do get upset. However, I'm usually able to find some good. But, it's the times that I can't when being an open book is not such a great read anymore. 

Having your pages on display for everyone to read is not always easy because when you want to close the book people get concerned. 

I am a very passionate person; I put my whole heart into the things I pursue. I care and love deeply. With this kind of attitude, things usually flourish. But life is unfair and sometimes things die. It's okay, however, for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. I'm a very happy person, like ridiculously and so genuinely happy (YAY.) However, when I get sad, I get very very sad. I find myself  questioning my worth and my place in the world. I think and I dwell a lot.

There were a few times in the last year when I went to this place. I didn't feel like talking about what I was feeling and I wanted to close my book; maybe go back and edit, or erase some things before people could read it again. When your book is open all the time people notice when it's not even on the shelf. But, it's especially odd for me; the girl who never stops talking. See also: the girl who needs to talk to process her emotions. My friends concern was completely warranted. So, they started asking lots of questions; about my decisions regarding the situation, what I was thinking, why I was upset and it became very overwhelming very quickly. I thought, "I'm human! I'm allowed to be upset!" And I was. Although, I also learned a very important lesson. 

I'm not the only human living on earth. There are people out there who care for me just as much as I care for them. There are people who prefer the happy, bubbly, "normal" Kristie to the sad version. There are people who want the best for me just like I do. 

I always say, usually when I'm in a good mood, " a good friend is someone who tells you what you need to hear, rather than what you want to hear." And it's true. All I wanted to do was put my pen down and throw myself a pity party, but my friends knew I needed to keep writing. In the moment it's annoying. However, I look back at those times and I'm so thankful I had friends to hold me up when I didn't feel like I could crawl. They showed me my strength and my beauty and my worth so that when this "earth shattering" situation passed I'd be able to see it on my own. More importantly though, when another "earth shattering" situation came along it would be a really awesome action packed paragraph rather than a sad depressing 4 chapters. Life is a celebration; a best selling novel. Why waste it worrying about things that will be irrelevant in a month. Don't be the magazine that everyone scans over looking for "People" in the checkout line.

So, whether you're a private person, or an open book like me; be where you are. If that's crying in your dorm over your break up, that's fine, but don't stay there and dwell in those emotions. Appreciate the friends who respect your space and THANK GOD for the ones that will do anything to make sure you're okay. It may be annoying but the right people will take time to understand your needs. Even when you want to be alone it's always nice to have someone there. 

I watched a movie today that said something along the lines of "living life feeling unloved is like clipping a birds wings." We were meant to love and to be loved, so receive it and then open your book to share it with others.

Also don't be a baby that boy wasn't that great anyway... and keep writing your story because it's a good one.