Looks Can be Deceiving

The women who types before you, is polished. She always has manicured nails, her makeup is always meticulously done, each hair is in its place. The women who types before you, is always smiling and has a laugh that is contagious. She smells like sunshine. She gives good hugs and has an open ear for the broken hearted. 

But, 

she is slowly dying on the inside from self inflicted cuts.

This is me. Looks can be deceiving. 

I am not writing this so you, my readers, will feel bad for me. I am writing this so you know that you are not alone, because even the most “put-together” people aren’t put-together.

For some time I have felt unhappy, alone and just broken. I can’t say exactly why but sadness doesn’t always come with a motive. 

I was reaching a breaking point. I cried everyday and felt as though I was drowning in my own tears. The pain was unbearable and no one knew how to help or understood why the “put-together” girl was struggling. In fact, most people didn’t even know, so they didn’t ask. 

The worst part was, this wasn’t me. I am happy, I knew I had all the reason to be happy and I desperately wanted to be. However, I just couldn’t. I fell short at work, in my friendships and while I’ve done well in school my anxiety was skyrocketing. I felt angry. I was angry with God for not giving “what he owed me” for pursuing him. I felt angry. I was angry that I wasn’t happy when I should be. I felt angry. I was angry that no one really noticed. However, I hadn’t realized I had learned how to deceive them so well that they wouldn’t know. I hadn’t realized that asking for help was okay. I hadn’t realized that I should ask for help. 

I didn’t know that what stood between me and happiness was the willingness to accept help. 

I was standing in front of my history class ready to walk in, when my mom called. We had a hard conversation about the harsh realities of my future if I continued digging this rut. Needless to say, I couldn’t make it to history. I went back to my dorm, crying, and started devising a game plan. I’d read. I’d pray. I’d talk to someone and get some help. 

I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed that I needed someone to “fix” my problems. 

However, when I woke up the next day I felt refreshed. It was like I’d done a 180. I felt like I could manage this, I felt that I would be able to start seeing the good again. I’d get back to the real me. The one who smiled and laughed genuinely. The girl who loved her job and knew that, no matter what, God was and is good. And all it took was saying ‘yes’ to help. 

So, this is an open letter to anyone who feels alone. You are not. It’s okay, to not be okay. You are allowed to feel stuck and sad sometimes. However, there are resources, friends and loved ones who are available to you and want you to feel like yourself. You should never feel ashamed for taking care of your soul. 

However, above all know who you are. I know that I am kind, funny, smart, organized and chosen. 

Your truths are so valuable because they will allow you to know when things are falling out of place and it helps you know when it’s time to ask for help.

With that being said, you are also all those truths and more but, no matter what, you are enough. 

Matthew 16:25